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Comparison of Non-Assertive, Aggressive and Assertive Communication Styles
DO YOU ASSERT YOURSELF QUIZ:(Answer as Honestly as You Can)
1. You expect a raise, but your boss says to wait six months. You respond:
a. Fine. I'll check with you then.
b. My request is reasonable, and you've agreed my responsibilities have increased. I'd like to discuss it further.
c. I was promised this raise. I deserve it and I want it now!
2. Your former peers, whom you now supervise, balk at taking orders from you. You:
a. Meet with each person and discuss the situation.
b. Say nothing and hope they'll change.
c. Send out a memo stating you're the boss now, and expect to be treated as such.
3. Your boss has been making indirect sexual overtures. You respond:
a. I am uncomfortable when your make those remarks or touch me. Please stop.
b. I am sick and tired of you making passes at me. Quit it!
c. You smile and pretend not to notice.
4. You are coordinating a project with another person, but doing all the work. You say:
a. You're not doing your share. If I don't get co-operation, I'm going to tell the boss.
b. On paper, we are coordinating this project, yet I seem to be doing all the work. I'd like to talk with you about changing this.
c. Nothing. You continue to stay late.
If you answered 1-B, 2-A, 3-A and 4-B, you are using assertive communication.
If you answered 1-A, 2-B, 3-C and 4-C, you are using non-assertive communication.
If you answered 1-C, 2-C, 3-B and 4-A, you are using aggressive communication
Many people experience difficulty in handling interpersonal situations requiring them to assert themselves in some way, for example, turning down a request, asking a favor, giving someone a compliment, expressing disapproval or approval. There are three avenues of communication styles used for dealing with difficult situations: Non-Assertive, Aggressive or Assertive.
Let examine in more detail the effects of the different communication styles and the payoffs.
NON-ASSERTIVE:
Definition: When you permit yourself to ignore personal rights that are very important to you or when you permit others to infringe on your rights.
Assumptions: You do not have a right to your feelings, beliefs or opinions.
Characteristics of the Behavior: You are emotionally dishonest, indirect, self-denying and inhibited.
Your Feelings When You Engage in This Behavior: Your feelings are hurt. You are anxious at the time and possibly angry later.
The Other Person's Feelings about Himself When You Engage in This Behavior: They feel guilty or superior.
The Other Person's Feelings about You When You Engage in This Behavior: They feel Irritated, pity, disgusted with you.
Pay Off: Enables you to avoid potentially unpleasant conflicts with others. Can, also, be a means of manipulation.
Results: You end up with hurt feelings and lowered self-esteem. Other unpleasant, internal psychological consequences are anxiety and depression. This style impairs level of communication between self and others. Others may see you as a person to feel sorry for, who needs protection, or may feel that you can easily be taken advantage of. You may not get the respect you want. You tend to be apologetic.
AGGRESSIVE:
Definition: When you stand up for your rights in such a way that the right of another are violated.
Assumptions: You have a right to your feelings, beliefs, opinions but others don't have as much right as you do.
Characteristics of the Behavior You are inappropriately emotionally honest, direct, expressive and self-enhancing at the expense of another.
Your Feelings When You Engage in This Behavior: You feel that you are righteous and superior. You are depreciatory at the time and possibly guilty later.
The Other Person's Feelings about Himself When You Engage in This Behavior: The other person feels hurt and humiliated.
The Other Person's Feelings about You When You Engage in This Behavior: The other person has feelings of anger and is vengeful towards you. Others may feel dominated and humiliated, or "put down." You may get your own way initially.
Results: Aggressee feels taken advantage of, used, chastised, weak, guilty, hostile, frustrated or defensive. There is insensitivity to feelings, opinions, and beliefs of others. Relationships are impaired. There is a barrier to open communication.
ASSERTIVE:
Definition: When you stand up for your legitimate rights in such a way that the rights of another are not violated.
Assumptions: You have a right to refuse a request without feeling guilty. You have a right to tell someone else what your needs are. You have a right to your feelings, beliefs, and opinions. Others have rights, too.
Characteristics of the Behavior: Appropriately emotionally honest, direct, self-enhancing and expressive.
Your Feelings When You Engage in This Behavior: You feel confident, and self-respecting at the time and later.
The Other Person's Feelings about Himself When You Engage in This Behavior: They feel valued and respected.
The Other Person's Feelings about You When You Engage in This Behavior: The generally respect you.
Pay Off: Others can respond to your actual needs. You are direct, honest and make appropriate expression of one's feelings, opinions, and beliefs. Others experience respect for their feelings, beliefs and opinions. Your needs usually will be met.
Results: There is an atmosphere of mutual respect and increased self-esteem. There is honest, sensitive, emphatic communication between parties. Interpersonal relations are as equals. There is a realistic, constructive collaborative approach to problems.
In summary, the non-assertive person avoids or acquiesces to the other person's demands by failing to stand up for himself or standing up for himself in such an ineffectual manner that his rights are easily violated. The aggressive person stands up for himself in such a way that he violates the rights of the other person and ruptures the relationship. The assertive person stands up for himself in such a way that the rights of the other person are not violated. This contributes to the other person's feelings of being valued and respected.